My mother is gone

I have been trying not to let the emotions take over. Trying to continue in the motion of life. I try not sit down and think about this situation. However, It is too big, too powerful, and too emotional not to. My mother is gone....

I will never have that last conversation with her. I will never hear her voice or hear that she loves me. I truly can't remember the last time I heard those words from her.

We had a complicated relationship to say the least. No one could ever understand. I know she loved me. I know she knows I love her. However, we loved each other the only way we knew how. Our love was never normal. I know if her mind was clear she would have been able to show me the love she had. Sadly, that wasn't the case.

I am happy to think she is in a better place now. My mother was stronger than you would think. Just not as strong as I or herself needed her to be. I hope now her mind is clear and open. I hope she can see all the things I have seen. All the memories I can't forget. How amazing it would be to live in a daze. Not really seeing what all has happened.

If she can see. She'll know my reason, my feelings, and why. Why I had to leave. I simply wasn't strong enough to change her. I didn't realize it at the time. She needed to be the one to change herself. I am sad, hurt and angry. That she didn't. She didn't change. She slowly took away all the pain until the pain was gone.

We've missed out on so much. I missed out on having a mother. A support I should have always had. She missed out as well. She missed out on having a daughter and grandchildren. I could have helped give her support and love. If she would of giving me a chance. The love, joy and memories we could have had. I know she wanted to be strong enough. I can no longer blame myself or her at that matter.

As I watched my mother heart stop beating. I felt relieved for her. Her fight was finally over. She fought for everything. She never got the life she deserved. She has to be in a better place. Anything has to be better the the hell on earth she faced and fought.

At the same time, the heart break set in. The surrealness of everything. As I kissed her one last time and told her I loved her. I could only hope she truly knows. As I walked out of the hospital. In a numbing shock that my mother was gone. We would never get that second chance I so very much hoped for.

The anger I have. . . I wont even speak of at this moment. It comes from a dark place, that scary place I left behind years ago. The anger I have is frighting. I know it will go back down again. It wont change me anymore than it has years ago. I am not controlled by that anger. I am motivated.

I will never let anything like this happen to myself. My biggest fear in my life.... has always to been to be like my mother. Not that I didn't love her. Not that I didn't care about her. However, I never want to live in the motions she lived in. I never want to hurt myself and others. I never want to lose myself. I never want to be a alcoholic.

I've realized something today.

Talking to my brother & seeing my father. Is seriously hard. My father abused me & my mother growing up. I have such harsh feelings towards him. It makes me angry.

Though I realized today. He didn't have the same child I had. I guess really nobody does. I spent so many years protecting him.

Making air forts, hiding in the closet while they fought. Reading him books, hugging him. After they would pass out. I would make peanut butter cookies. To cheer him up.

I think he remembers those nights/days. That's a good thing I guess.

My family started going to church after I left. Maybe making some stuff better. Drinking still happened.... Church off and none. But they had good days.  They bonded.

I am sitting here in this icu room. My mother laying on her deathbed, my brother & father on the other side of the room.

I should feel like this is my family this is my roots this is where I belong..... I don't.

I feel on edge and nervous. I am scared to say the wrong thing look at them wrong.

I am affraid I smell alchol on my fathers breath. He hasn't hugged me nor gotten too close. So, I am not 100 percent sure. Yet again this family doesn't hug or get close. I'll figure it out. If so I can't believe it.

They still don't believe the alcohol my mother has consumed I've the years has anything to do with this situation.

I wish they understood.

They never will, I am scared.

Anyways off subject.

I am shocked to see my father pray every hour with my mom. Tyler says he hasn't left. He talks to her all day.

I am here

I am here. Here as in, in the room with my mom. It's been 7 days. Terrible emotional days. Since I found out the news. My mother, is in critical condition on life support.

I was told she was possible brain dead. However, she isn't. Wonder to hear give me a slight hope. I hope she can recover from this. However, I just don't see it happening. It's so very terrible. The situation is frightening.

She is in a comatose state, she has very little to organ function. As of right now the heart is still her best organ and the brain is still functioning. Her body is trying to fight so much now. It's hard. She's a fighter though. She won't go out without a fight.

Question

The question of the day.. When is dead dead. Shoud brain dead and organ failure enough. One would think. I would think so.

It's hard to place realize when it's just statistics it's your reality, your loved one. When you loved one is the statistics can you see straight unblinded from emotions. How do you not wonder how and why her heart is still beating.

Over all the odds her body is dying. He body has failed yet her heart is still strong.

Please please don't be affaid. No regrets. Fully in give in. It's your time. Your time to be free. Just know I love you. I never stopped. I've spent many days crying and wishing I could have you in my life. Tell you how I feel. You'll know all of that  now. At least that's what I like to think.

Your fighter. A strong fighter.

Heart

I was able to talk your nurse today. To hear what has happen. It helps me understand more.

Your liver was the main cause. Throwing up blood. Not  necessarily something new. I know why. You didn't go in right away. You've been throwing up for years. I don't know why it never hit me. That something was wrong. You shouldn't have been always throwing up. Even without the alchol.

I don't want to know why... Why you didn't ask for me. The hospital. You would never go to unless you thought you would seriously be dying. On your deathbed. I hope you know. I would have came. I didn't find out until it was too late. Your spirit and mind were already gone.

Your ready gone.


He won't give up. And neither will you. Your heart it's strong. Your heart is still beating. Give me a sign or something if I need to be there. I am worried. If I go you'll stop beating before I get there. I am scared. Scared to see you. And frightened to see him. I don't think I am strong enough. I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough.

I am happy you have Tyler. Tyler will and can be there for you. Somehow, I don't know when. But he took over and watched after you. I know that now. I can sense he's love and protection for you.  I will be greatful for that. Always.

As your heart beats for the last times. I lay here wondering why and regretting. Not getting to know you. Not you as my mother, you as he's wife. But you. You deep down with out the alchol. Your personality your favorite things.

I hate alchol! Its worst kind of drug. It takes over and take some much away from you and the people who love you.

As reality sits in

As a night passes by. Now, reality has set in. My mother is no longer with us. Her body is but she is no longer. They said she is now brain dead, jaundice, swollen and in organ failure. She's going out a fighter.

I hope I really hope that she finds peace and happiness. Where ever she may be. She deserves it. I can only hope she knows I am writing this & listening to me.  I want her to have no second thoughts no regrets. She did what she had to do and what she thought what was best. I wish she had a clear mind. Her mind was clouded. I understand that now. It took along time to accept it. I want her to happy finally and be able to move on to where she needs to be.

I feel torn. I have no right to tell my brother or father. I think they should let her body go let her have peace. Take her off of the machines. She mentioned many times she never wanted to be in a room hooked up to machines. I would understand if she wasn't brain dead. Then I would say help heme fight. I won't say anything I am not there. Nor have I been there in a long time.

I can't remember the last words I said to her. I can only hope I told her I loved her. I can only hope she knew. I told her long ago no matter what I cared & loved her. I just couldn't be there. She knew for awhile. She would call during bad times and tell me she was proud of me. I can also hope that is true.

Deep down, I feel it is. I feel she understood why. She felt it coming from our conversations. They silent understanding of each other. We are both strong and fight for our families. She loved my father. She loved him to a fault. She spent 30 years with him. He was her family. I understand that. I can accept that. I will always wonder why...

Why... After everything he did. I feel he is part a big part of why she changed and why she is gone. She started drinking with him, then because of him, then to stay with him, then to forget.  My mother was taken away from me because of her addition to alcohol and her love for my father.

Reality of what is going on now. Starting jan-6-2014

I am skipping over so much so many details so many memories.  That are a blur right now. Let me stop and say this. Yesterday I received the news. The news my mother was on life support & her organs were shutting down.

This news posted on my Fb page. I read in a panicked fury.  A swarm of emotions take over.  I haven't spoken to my mother in years. Years, we let slip by us. I know why I had to do it. I had to stop bring part of her life.  I couldn't take it anymore. Was I selfish yes, no and maybe all at the same time.

I tried my hardest to do what I thought was right. To make things better. To make her better and happier. I wish I could have understand her thoughts and feelings. I wish she could have understand mine. I can only hope she understands why I had to so this.

I called the number left for me. I found out nothing much else from that source. I had to call my father. We never ended things on good terms. As a I dial his number. So many emotions hit me. I become almost numb. Preparing myself for what I am about to hear.

After 3 rings he answers, "Hello". Though years as passed. I knew it was his voice. I say "Hi. It's Amber". It's been so long.. He's confused. For a minute he had no idea who I was. Then reality sits in.  Anger isn't in his voice, an eery calmness is. He tells me a quick summery of what has happen.

10 years. I've been scared and waiting to hear this news. Not only because  she had changed. Because of how he changed. The 10 years I have been out from under their roof. I knew something would happen.

Here we are 10 years later. Sadly, I am surprised she lived 10 years after. I shouldn't be she's a fighter. She had more strength in her than she ever knew. She used that strength every day. She fought for her life almost everyday.

She was  dealt a rough life. A life I feel she didn't deserve. She is one is the main reasons I don't believe in Christianity. God, she loved him. She asked to be saved. To be happy. For years and years. I watched my mother pray. Faith would change her and her life. She fought everyday waiting for that prayer to be answered.