As reality sits in

As a night passes by. Now, reality has set in. My mother is no longer with us. Her body is but she is no longer. They said she is now brain dead, jaundice, swollen and in organ failure. She's going out a fighter.

I hope I really hope that she finds peace and happiness. Where ever she may be. She deserves it. I can only hope she knows I am writing this & listening to me.  I want her to have no second thoughts no regrets. She did what she had to do and what she thought what was best. I wish she had a clear mind. Her mind was clouded. I understand that now. It took along time to accept it. I want her to happy finally and be able to move on to where she needs to be.

I feel torn. I have no right to tell my brother or father. I think they should let her body go let her have peace. Take her off of the machines. She mentioned many times she never wanted to be in a room hooked up to machines. I would understand if she wasn't brain dead. Then I would say help heme fight. I won't say anything I am not there. Nor have I been there in a long time.

I can't remember the last words I said to her. I can only hope I told her I loved her. I can only hope she knew. I told her long ago no matter what I cared & loved her. I just couldn't be there. She knew for awhile. She would call during bad times and tell me she was proud of me. I can also hope that is true.

Deep down, I feel it is. I feel she understood why. She felt it coming from our conversations. They silent understanding of each other. We are both strong and fight for our families. She loved my father. She loved him to a fault. She spent 30 years with him. He was her family. I understand that. I can accept that. I will always wonder why...

Why... After everything he did. I feel he is part a big part of why she changed and why she is gone. She started drinking with him, then because of him, then to stay with him, then to forget.  My mother was taken away from me because of her addition to alcohol and her love for my father.