Reality of what is going on now. Starting jan-6-2014

I am skipping over so much so many details so many memories.  That are a blur right now. Let me stop and say this. Yesterday I received the news. The news my mother was on life support & her organs were shutting down.

This news posted on my Fb page. I read in a panicked fury.  A swarm of emotions take over.  I haven't spoken to my mother in years. Years, we let slip by us. I know why I had to do it. I had to stop bring part of her life.  I couldn't take it anymore. Was I selfish yes, no and maybe all at the same time.

I tried my hardest to do what I thought was right. To make things better. To make her better and happier. I wish I could have understand her thoughts and feelings. I wish she could have understand mine. I can only hope she understands why I had to so this.

I called the number left for me. I found out nothing much else from that source. I had to call my father. We never ended things on good terms. As a I dial his number. So many emotions hit me. I become almost numb. Preparing myself for what I am about to hear.

After 3 rings he answers, "Hello". Though years as passed. I knew it was his voice. I say "Hi. It's Amber". It's been so long.. He's confused. For a minute he had no idea who I was. Then reality sits in.  Anger isn't in his voice, an eery calmness is. He tells me a quick summery of what has happen.

10 years. I've been scared and waiting to hear this news. Not only because  she had changed. Because of how he changed. The 10 years I have been out from under their roof. I knew something would happen.

Here we are 10 years later. Sadly, I am surprised she lived 10 years after. I shouldn't be she's a fighter. She had more strength in her than she ever knew. She used that strength every day. She fought for her life almost everyday.

She was  dealt a rough life. A life I feel she didn't deserve. She is one is the main reasons I don't believe in Christianity. God, she loved him. She asked to be saved. To be happy. For years and years. I watched my mother pray. Faith would change her and her life. She fought everyday waiting for that prayer to be answered.