My mother is gone

I have been trying not to let the emotions take over. Trying to continue in the motion of life. I try not sit down and think about this situation. However, It is too big, too powerful, and too emotional not to. My mother is gone....

I will never have that last conversation with her. I will never hear her voice or hear that she loves me. I truly can't remember the last time I heard those words from her.

We had a complicated relationship to say the least. No one could ever understand. I know she loved me. I know she knows I love her. However, we loved each other the only way we knew how. Our love was never normal. I know if her mind was clear she would have been able to show me the love she had. Sadly, that wasn't the case.

I am happy to think she is in a better place now. My mother was stronger than you would think. Just not as strong as I or herself needed her to be. I hope now her mind is clear and open. I hope she can see all the things I have seen. All the memories I can't forget. How amazing it would be to live in a daze. Not really seeing what all has happened.

If she can see. She'll know my reason, my feelings, and why. Why I had to leave. I simply wasn't strong enough to change her. I didn't realize it at the time. She needed to be the one to change herself. I am sad, hurt and angry. That she didn't. She didn't change. She slowly took away all the pain until the pain was gone.

We've missed out on so much. I missed out on having a mother. A support I should have always had. She missed out as well. She missed out on having a daughter and grandchildren. I could have helped give her support and love. If she would of giving me a chance. The love, joy and memories we could have had. I know she wanted to be strong enough. I can no longer blame myself or her at that matter.

As I watched my mother heart stop beating. I felt relieved for her. Her fight was finally over. She fought for everything. She never got the life she deserved. She has to be in a better place. Anything has to be better the the hell on earth she faced and fought.

At the same time, the heart break set in. The surrealness of everything. As I kissed her one last time and told her I loved her. I could only hope she truly knows. As I walked out of the hospital. In a numbing shock that my mother was gone. We would never get that second chance I so very much hoped for.

The anger I have. . . I wont even speak of at this moment. It comes from a dark place, that scary place I left behind years ago. The anger I have is frighting. I know it will go back down again. It wont change me anymore than it has years ago. I am not controlled by that anger. I am motivated.

I will never let anything like this happen to myself. My biggest fear in my life.... has always to been to be like my mother. Not that I didn't love her. Not that I didn't care about her. However, I never want to live in the motions she lived in. I never want to hurt myself and others. I never want to lose myself. I never want to be a alcoholic.